News

 

My husband and I lead fabulously dull lives. Our idea of a good time usually includes an uninterrupted evening spent snoozing, reading and watching a TV show or two or three. Just making it through another work day is glory enough for us.

One evening this week, I was hunched over a new book and noticed that my husband was staring at the TV screen with the audio off. Believing he might be trying to respect my need for a little less sound while I am reading, I told him I wouldn’t mind if he turned up the sound a bit. He said that it was okay since he was just reading the news scrawling across the bottom of the screen and he didn’t need sound for that anyway. I went back to my book, thinking this was a trend I would like to see continue. A few minutes later I heard an audible gasp from my husband. My mind immediately thought the worst. Was there an assassination of a world leader? Had a plane crashed with no known survivors? Was there an apartment building burning out of control with little children huddled under coats and blankets waiting for temporary shelter?

When I asked my husband what the catastrophe was, he replied, “Hostess Snack Cakes company just filed for bankruptcy.”

Now, you must know that my husband will travel all over the city, from store to store, tangling with pubescent grocery clerks as he searches for a specific kind of Hostess snack cake. If the Hostess company goes out of business, game over. For his sake, I hope Hostess can hammer out a viable business plan or I’m going to be awfully busy trying to make little cinnamon cakes and packaging them in cellophane wrappers.  

A few evenings later, I was watching a news documentary about the plight of kangaroos moving into urban areas due to a drought in Australia. My husband was mildly interested as he read/snoozed during the show. About half way through the show, the camera focused in on a grazing kangaroo lounging placidly on a suburban lawn. Suddenly, my husband’s head popped up and he said, “I would shoot that thing if it were on my lawn.”  

Please understand that my husband is a gentle man with only a seasonal death wish in the fall when the pheasants are flying. His vehement outburst toward a rather docile herbivore took me by surprise. When I asked him what the root cause of his annoyance might be, he responded, “It was the kangaroo’s attitude. I could see it in his eyes.”

I’m not even going to try to psychoanalyze that response. However, if I had to guess, I would say that it had something to do with a male’s instincts toward turf protection. I’m pretty sure that my husband wouldn’t step on the gas if a kangaroo was bounding in front of our car, but that same kangaroo had probably best not bound off toward our lawn.

I can’t predict what kind of stories will make the headlines this year. But, I do know that if I come home some day and see a kangaroo on our front lawn, munching on a Hostess cinnamon cake, there will be some breaking news. And I’m pretty sure my husband’s name will be included in the story.