When I Grow Up

"When I grow up, I want to be______."

Most of us remember how we filled in the blank during our younger days. Some folks filled in the blank at a very early age with a selection that was spot on for the future. Others filled in the blank with a variety of career choices over the course of many years. While I was growing up, I filled in the blank with several options reflective of my generation: secretary, dental assistant (WHAT was I thinking), librarian, church organist (no pay) and teacher. I wisely never entertained the thought of being a nurse. There would be fewer people alive today if I had gone that route. You're welcome.

Not surprisingly, my strongest career choice was teacher. I often corralled my younger siblings into the game of "school". The youngest ones were my unsuspecting targets and they learned quickly that this game had only one rule. Their oldest sister was the teacher and she was in charge. The school game was usually short-lived for obvious reasons.

Fast forward many years (30 years of teaching later) and I am once again trying to fill in the blank. Retirement means many things and soon enough, I need to know what I am going to do when I grow up. As during the days of my youth, there are "career" choices reflective of my age and generation: Walmart Greeter (get to wear a snappy vest), Sample Lady at Hy-Vee (snack time), Valet Parker at the hospital (probably need to know how to park for that one) and Professional Volunteer (limitless). None seem particularly appealing at this time so I keep my eyes and ears open to possibilities.

A Lay's Potato Chip truck pulled up next to me on the street a few days ago and I wondered about that job. Sitting amidst snack items all day must be very comforting. Being evaluated by my driving skills and not being able to eat said snack items is a deal breaker. Scratch that idea.

Any job involving extended periods of time outdoors (more than 10 minutes) is probably not going to happen either. My see-through skin and aversion to temperatures above 70 degrees make it difficult for survival in occupations involving Mother Nature. She is precocious and I am weak. Not a good combo.

If a job is fraught with a lot of multi-tasking details, I am dead in the water. Administrative assistants are saints and waitresses are warriors in my book. My spongy brain and fuzzy hearing would likely result in being "asked to leave." Some jobs are destined for failure.

Yes, it is true. I am a one-trick pony. My skill set is shallow and my original career path prepared me for one task, teaching. So, I am saddling up for another year in the classroom. And if I figure out what I want to be when I grow up, you will be the first to know.

Badger Week

Ecosystems are like stages filled with actors playing their roles. The plants act as energy converters so the sun can feed the crew. Herbivores graze their way through the show while passing their energy on to carnivores and omnivores. Scavengers make sure the stage is cleaned up in the event a crew member goes down. Decomposers stealthily take care of the final remains so everything is ready for the next act.

And, as any successful playwright knows, a good show needs a villain. Enter the apex predator. Love them, hate them, fear them or admire them, they are certainly difficult to ignore. Having survived another round of Shark Week it is evident that predators hold our fascination. Almost thirty years ago, Shark Week television shows were rolled out as the antidote for misinformation concerning sharks. Now, the craze includes everything from Jaws marathons to docufiction shows, science be damned.

I think it is time for a prairie predator week. Enter the American Badger (Taxidea taxus). It is a squatty little character but, boy howdy, is it fearless. It has huge foreclaws and a muscular body. It is related to the powerful wolverine (always good to have a bad boy in the family tree) and feeds upon all the prairie has to offer. It has no problem digging into other animals' burrows looking for tasty snacks and it enjoys a wide variety of food on its buffet such as birds, mice, prairie dogs, bees, skunks and lizards. They will also nibble on an occasional plant or two when need be.

There are flashier prairie predators such as the wily coyote and the venomous rattlesnake. But, it is the badger that has the real star power. Badgers have been known to assist coyotes in their hunting escapades and badgers are considered one of the primary predators of rattlesnakes. Top billing goes to the badger.

I am not sure I ever personally saw a badger during my years on the farm. I do have memories of tromping around in the hay field and remembering a warning given by my father to "never tangle with a badger." None of us were ever mauled by one so apparently we heeded his advice. I do remember seeing a badger hole or two and giving them wide berth. In reality, I should have given thanks for each badger hole I saw because they were helping cleanse the field of my nemesis, mice. I was convinced that small vermin could scamper up my legs and under my shirt at any given time. My fear was born of a warning given by my mother. My parents were a wealth of useful information.

It is probably a given there will never be a widely embraced Badger Week. Sharks are sexier and have their own soundtrack. Badgers look like grizzled rugs moving across the grasslands. Sharks have massive jaws that are rimmed with conveyor belt rows of teeth. Badgers have a single row of teeth and aren't attracted to flailing swimmers.

But, if the networks ever have a change of heart and decide to feature the star of the prairie, I am booking a front row seat. Any animal that can take on a rattlesnake is worth watching in my book.