E.F.

In a world of Pinterest, photoshopping and glossy blogs, it is easy to get lost in pseudo realities. I propose there are times when we need to embrace and celebrate just the opposite: Epic Fails. It is the antidote to the perfectionist insanity swirling about us on FB, Twitter, Instagram and Snap Chat. Fortunately, I have plenty of E.F.s to celebrate in my life. Here are a few of my learning opportunities.

1) Keeping Warm Lab--The objective of this science lesson is to test different insulating materials and determine which one is the most effective. It is a hands-on lesson involving hot water, beakers, graph paper, thermometers and a supply of materials to wrap around the beakers. After a detailed explanation of the procedural components of the lab and its safety requirements (glass is fragile and the water is warm!), the little Einsteins are turned loose and I await their eager responses. Apparently, I was speaking in Latin during the explanation phase of the lesson. Liesel and Claire start pouring hot water directly into the paper bag that is supposed to be wrapped around the beaker of water. Josie and her partner discover that no insulation keeps the water warmer than a layer of fleece around the beaker (due to using the Fahrenheit scale for one round and Celsius for the other). Jonas and Boris stare into space and keep repeating, "We have no idea what we are supposed to be doing." Emerging graphs look like Picasso sketches. Students begin wandering aimlessly during the "gather-data-from-other-teams phase. And, as if all of that wasn't glorious enough, I was being observed by my vice principal.

Epic fail and note to self, Hy-Vee is hiring.

2) Homemade almond paste--I tend to get a backlog of roasted almonds at my house due to my habit of picking them out of my favorite nut mix so I can eat just the pistachios. I love almonds, but next to a pistachio, it loses every time. I also love recipes with almond paste but rarely purchase it because of its princely price. Wouldn't it be great if one could make one's own almond paste from their leftover pile of almonds? A quick search on the internet resulted in just such a solution. The procedure seemed a little labor intensive, but the results looked wondrously delicious next to the blogger's cheery little face. So, I boiled my almonds. Cooled them. Painstakingly peeled the skin from each one. Ground them in the food processor. Added sugar and an egg white. Attempted to roll the whole unwieldy mess into a log. Took a sample taste. Spit it out. Tasted again, willing myself to like it. Spit it out one more time. Looked at the clock. Most of the day wasted.

Epic Fail and note to self, just buy pistachios.

3) Driving a stick shift--I grew up on a farm so I have no excuse for my ineptness with a manual transmission. My lack of coordination hindered my ability to use two feet and a shifter while giving the vehicle just the right amount of revs to move forward. Add to that a hill or an ice patch and I am toast. Multiple attempts at mastering the stick shift yielded results ranging from mildly annoying to endangerment to life and livestock.

Epic Fail and note to self, stay off the farm.

Hope you are enjoying your learning opportunities and don't let the media demons mess with your head.

Nots

It is the new year and I am training my hand to write 2017. I am not, however, training my paws to write New Year's resolutions. Rest assured I will not be guilt shaming you with lofty goals and action plans. Most days, I am the antithesis of action and my course is determined by the winds of successive moments. With a wink and a nod to the new year, here is a list of what I will not be doing in 2017.

1) I will not run, walk or crawl in a marathon--I am a toad in the world of fitness. I will do whatever it takes to avoid the inertia of moving. This is not healthy, I know, so I will begrudgingly grit my teeth through 30 minutes of fitness DVDs a few times a week. I see no results other than being able to truthfully tell my doctor that I exercise on a regular basis. I am convinced that hating exercise negates its healthful benefits but even toads have to hop once in awhile.

2) I will not eat eggplant--I love the beautiful color and unique shape of this cousin to the tomato and potato, but I cannot tolerate its taste and texture. I have parmesaned it, fried it, ratatoulled it, sauced it and stuffed it but I just cannot get past its mushy pulpiness and blah presence in dishes. I will stick to the ubiquitous zucchini when I am in the mood for unloved vegetables.

4) I will not be a fashionista--Take heart, co-workers, you will always look good standing next to me. I tend to be a little rumpled, coffee-stained and monochromatic. I might occasionally don a pair of earrings or a pair of matching socks, but most of my closet is the definition of dull.  It cuts down on coveting by others.

5) I will not be the cool teacher--I am clueless about the latest music, latest technology, latest beverage trend and newly released movies. I have old-fashioned ideas about awarding too many trophies, staring at computer screens and expecting all learning to be fun. I secretly miss spelling tests and cursive writing.  And I will never understand the importance of name brand anything. Unless it's Cheerios. I just can't eat Tasteeos and feel good about it.

6) I will not get a tan--I am an albino without the pink eyes. Despite attempts in my younger years to develop a little bronzing from the sun, the best I have ever produced is a wicked sunburn with the shaggy aftermath of peeling skin. Fortunately, heavy duty tanning has fallen out of favor with the medical community so I can sport my white limbs without fear of complete mockery.

7) I will not buy another bag of Cheetos--Okay, this is a lie. I have no intentions of abandoning my little neon orange friends. Yes, I said friends. My life is shallow and a therapy session or two should probably be on my calendar for such nonsense but that would be another not going to happen. I am just not ready to give up the joy of cheese dusted fingertips.


Here's to a new year and not feeling bad about being less than perfect! Enjoy your "nots" in 2017.