Nots

It is the new year and I am training my hand to write 2017. I am not, however, training my paws to write New Year's resolutions. Rest assured I will not be guilt shaming you with lofty goals and action plans. Most days, I am the antithesis of action and my course is determined by the winds of successive moments. With a wink and a nod to the new year, here is a list of what I will not be doing in 2017.

1) I will not run, walk or crawl in a marathon--I am a toad in the world of fitness. I will do whatever it takes to avoid the inertia of moving. This is not healthy, I know, so I will begrudgingly grit my teeth through 30 minutes of fitness DVDs a few times a week. I see no results other than being able to truthfully tell my doctor that I exercise on a regular basis. I am convinced that hating exercise negates its healthful benefits but even toads have to hop once in awhile.

2) I will not eat eggplant--I love the beautiful color and unique shape of this cousin to the tomato and potato, but I cannot tolerate its taste and texture. I have parmesaned it, fried it, ratatoulled it, sauced it and stuffed it but I just cannot get past its mushy pulpiness and blah presence in dishes. I will stick to the ubiquitous zucchini when I am in the mood for unloved vegetables.

4) I will not be a fashionista--Take heart, co-workers, you will always look good standing next to me. I tend to be a little rumpled, coffee-stained and monochromatic. I might occasionally don a pair of earrings or a pair of matching socks, but most of my closet is the definition of dull.  It cuts down on coveting by others.

5) I will not be the cool teacher--I am clueless about the latest music, latest technology, latest beverage trend and newly released movies. I have old-fashioned ideas about awarding too many trophies, staring at computer screens and expecting all learning to be fun. I secretly miss spelling tests and cursive writing.  And I will never understand the importance of name brand anything. Unless it's Cheerios. I just can't eat Tasteeos and feel good about it.

6) I will not get a tan--I am an albino without the pink eyes. Despite attempts in my younger years to develop a little bronzing from the sun, the best I have ever produced is a wicked sunburn with the shaggy aftermath of peeling skin. Fortunately, heavy duty tanning has fallen out of favor with the medical community so I can sport my white limbs without fear of complete mockery.

7) I will not buy another bag of Cheetos--Okay, this is a lie. I have no intentions of abandoning my little neon orange friends. Yes, I said friends. My life is shallow and a therapy session or two should probably be on my calendar for such nonsense but that would be another not going to happen. I am just not ready to give up the joy of cheese dusted fingertips.


Here's to a new year and not feeling bad about being less than perfect! Enjoy your "nots" in 2017.