Preferred

A very sleek and colorful booklet arrived in the mail today, announcing that we are on the preferred list for an exclusive credit card. The booklet is filled with enticing pictures of couples sailing on exotic seas and “getting lost on side streets.” All the participants are fit, tanned, snuggling and beaming with mouths of recently whitened teeth. To think that a little 3x5 card of plastic could buy all that for us…amazing, isn’t it? I did what I always do with the offers of wondrous goodness and ran it through my paper shredder. (It made pretty confetti, by the way.)

As I was listening to the whir of my shredder, I let my mind wander down lost side streets and open seas. Just where would I go if I had this little sapphire card? Would my imagination know no bounds as was promised in the brochure?

Here are a few places I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t use the magic card for.

1) Anything involving open water. I’m prone to motion sickness so the thought of bobbing along on waves and high tides is unpleasant. That, of course, eliminates cruises, yachts and skiing behind a speedboat. Kayaks are also out with their death grip on your torso and the prerequisite of being trained on how to get yourself upright in an emergency situation.

2) Tropical jungle excursions. Steamy, sweaty hikes into overgrown underbrush is best left for reptiles and arthropods. I suppose the hidden waterfall would be something to see but I don’t think I have the stamina to tromp through squishy things just to see falling water.

3) Adventure trips. You know this involves zip-lining and rappelling of some sort. I’m not much for signing waivers on my vacations. Quite frankly, my daily journey into a middle school classroom is adventure enough for me.

4) Dude ranches. Not sure why people want to experience the workings of cattle and horse events, but you can count me out on that guest list. Cows give me the creeps (especially their eyes) and I’m not a big fan of horses, either. We’ve advanced to cars for a reason.

Here are a few places I might be tempted to climb aboard a magic carpet for.

1) Ireland. I like gloomy weather and lugubrious music so I think I would fit in well with the locals. I’m also a big fan of potatoes, lamb chops and woolen sweaters.

2) Pacific Northwest. Again, I like rain. I’ve never seen the Pacific Ocean and because our daughter lives in that area, we would have an instant tour guide. Never mind that Lewis and Clark nearly lost their minds during the winter they spent on the coast. I’m going to assume our provisions would be a little more plush.

3) Restaurant Blitz. I’m not even sure what that means, but in my mind it would involve rolling from one restaurant to the next, sampling different cuisines and never looking at the prices. No queuing up and ordering a number three to go. It would be all about ordering menu items that don’t look like English and may or may not give you hives.

4)  Cabins with fireplaces. I’m a sucker for secluded bungalows with cozy, crackling fires. I don’t have to move much to enjoy a trip so the location is negotiable. A stack of books, a bag of Cheetohs, the glow of a fireplace and I’m at peace with the world.

It’s too late to retrieve my offer for a luxurious life from the shredder so I guess I’ll have to experience time the old-fashioned way. Pay as you go. That pretty much gets me to my local coffee shop where I can enjoy a crackling fire with a cup of dark roast. Add to that a good travel book from the library and a chocolate truffle.

All is well.