Each year also brings on a few questions and statements that many teachers would rather not hear from their students. Here are a few.
1) "What time is this class over?" Not only is this question asked at the end of class but it is also asked as the students are arriving. Social skill number one: please don't ask about the end time of a class, no matter how much you hate learning about arthropods.
2) "I left my homework at home." This is the primary excuse from students who haven't picked up a pencil in my classroom since the beginning of the year. Logic defies believing such a response. I usually dig right into their binders and magically find the unfinished pieces of business. Busted.
3) "I can't get my locker open." This statement most often comes from incoming sixth graders. There is definitely a learning curve in the 20 to the right, 3 to the left and 7 to the right process. I have never been able to open a locker so the kids are on their own with this one. Time for a new smartphone app.
4) "I threw up all night but I think I'm feeling a little better." It is at this point that I take two steps backwards. There is usually a residual green glow still evident on their faces and I would prefer not to be in their target range.
5) "Do we have a test today?" This is usually asked after a week of review, reminders, study guides and website postings. I'm always baffled how such a detail can be missed until the day of the test. Fortunately, there are usually a few students who are only too happy to point out the error of the confused student's ways.
6) "I like your toes." A colleague of mine was the recipient of this response a couple weeks ago. It is a baffling statement and probably best left unanalyzed.
7) "Is your hair turning gray?" It takes a great deal of self control not to share my theory of where I think the gray is coming from. Fortunately, most students aren't interested in the why of my hair color. They just enjoy making observations.
8) "I'm going to be gone for two weeks and need all my homework by the end of the day." Sometimes I'm not even sure what I will be able to cover in class tomorrow, much less two weeks in advance. I appreciate the student's concern but I would prefer that extended vacations happen in the summer.
9) "Do you remember me?" Former students often ask this question, forgetting that they might look a little different from their middle school years (a fact most are grateful for). Let it be said that I want to remember the names and faces of all my students but my brain is packed with student files. Please introduce yourself so we can skip the name game and catch up on what's new.
10) "I don't have a pencil." I understand the occasional absentmindedness that results in a lost writing utensil, but when the same student asks every teacher, every day, I want to poke my eye out with a pencil. There is no way to win this war so I will continue to buy golf pencils by the gross.
Yes, another year of school is in full swing and a whole new crop of students are making their way through the teacher maze. We'll get along just fine, until you ask me why I have so many wrinkles.
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