Pillow Talk

On the heels of the wretched event called Daylight Saving Time, I went on the hunt for new pillows. Mind you, this is becoming a frequent event and I wish it were not so. One would think that four decades of pillow acquisitions would make me an expert. I am not. In fact, my pillow shopping is now under the heading of "Fails."

I did not grow up with interesting pillows. We did not pluck the feathers of wild geese or use straw ticking to make our own pillows. In fact, I have little memory of our bed gear. I am quite sure that our family's frugality limited our pillow shopping to infrequent at best. It is possible that the pillow I started with in elementary school served me until I left the house. Which makes me wonder why I can no longer find a serviceable pillow. More likely, I was oblivious to such things at the time.

My challenge with pillows is their propensity to go flat. Or squishy. Or lumpy. Or sad. Oh, so sad. I do not buy the cheapest pillows I can find. In fact, I have upped my game recently. I look for pillows with a warranty and some reputation in the bedding world. I am discovering that the warranty is just a decoration on the packaging. I have yet to keep a pillow up to the 10-year warranty mark. And how does one go about cashing in on a failed pillow warranty? Does one stuff it into a big mailer and send it in? Is there a depreciation rate for said pillow? Is their a squish factor at play or is it simply customer satisfaction? I will never know as the hassle factor for such a process is far greater than sucking it up and moving on to the next pillow.

Thus the reason I found myself wandering around in a big box store, looking for more pillows, again. I have a Clem Kadiddlehopper complex when I go retail shopping. I feel totally out of place and my resolve to be a savvy, confident shopper dissolves within minutes. I start to sweat profusely and my ability to communicate with clerks becomes muddled and agitated. The store I was wandering around in relied heavily upon fragrances being pumped into the air that I am sure are the result of a marketer's desire to appeal to its target audience, young and hip moms. My days of young are long gone and hip will never be attached to my name.

A sweet little clerk tried to help me but I was too far gone by then. I carried on alone and dug around in the bins and shelves of bed chiclets. I ditched any pillow with a celebrity's name attached to it and did the same to the bargain pillows and the elite pillows. I settled on two mid-range pillows, one for a side sleeper and one for a stomach/back sleeper. Both felt firm enough, no lumps evident. And both came with a 15-year warranty.

I have a new pillow plan, now. Enjoy the pillow while it gives rest. Ditch it when it slumps into despair. And, don't try to overthink the process.