As Seen On TV

As a card carrying insomniac, I have an arsenal of ways to combat the wide-eyed and bushy-tailed moments of the middle of the night. One of my frequently used methods of attack is watching dull programming on television. There is certainly no shortage of infomercials hawking products of varying degrees of usefulness.

Here is my review of a few products.

1)     Pajama Jeans—looks like denim and feels like PJs. Is there a reason people want to stay in their jammies all day? Sure, the stretchy material might be comfy, but from the looks of the model, the faux denim is nearly painted on her derriere. Definitely not for me and my ampleness.

2)     Snuggie—guaranteed to keep you warm and look fashionable at the same time. I guess if looking like a lame leopard is your idea of chic, order two or more (always a discount for that move). I’m pretty sure I would get snaggled up in the thing and never be able to shuttle toward the cupboard for evening munchies. I’ll stick with my ratty robe.

3)     Easy Feet—1,000 rejuvenating bristles clean and massage your feet while you stand in the shower, no more bending to tend the tootsies. Obviously this one is targeted toward the over 50 crowd. I’m going to go on record right now and state that it’s going to take more than a suction-cupped Easy Foot to massage my feet into loveliness. I prefer to just wear shoes.

4)      Ronco Veg-o-matic—slices and dices and so much more. Although the appeal of perfectly sliced onions without crying is alluring, I have little use for another appliance in my small kitchen. Besides, that Ronco guy looks kinda creepy to me.

5)     Forget-me-Not pocket recorder—speak into it and never again forget directions, to-do lists, and your anniversary. Okay, I must admit that this intrigues me. Wandering around in the Hy-Vee parking lot in the middle of the winter looking for my car is reason enough for me to consider shelling out $12.98 for the little memory wizard. However, it would be just a matter of time before I lost that gadget, too. I guess that is why you should always order two.

6)     Loud and Clear—looks like a Bluetooth but is really a sound amplifier, a.k.a. hearing aid. I’ll stick with reading lips, thank you.

No need to worry if you miss the “once in a lifetime” offer. Most products are available in the “As Seen On TV” aisle of your local drug store. Therefore, I don’t have to rush to my phone in the middle of the night and place my order. 

Maybe it’s time to go back to the off-air test pattern. No money down for that one and a snoozer for sure.