Mumsy

Our school district recently purchased new copy machines. Copy machines that are supposed to do everything but butter your toast in the morning (if I had time to read the manual, it might be able to do that, too). It wasn’t long after one of the new machines was placed in our department that we felt the need to give our friend a proper name. The label on the side of this wonder machine was “Workcentre.” Hmm….that looked like British spelling to us so we brainstormed a list of British names and soon christened our lady of copying bliss, Mumsy. And Mumsy does, indeed, have a mind of her own.

Her extensive menu of options clearly indicates a woman of educational breadth and fine standing. It wouldn’t be prudent to offer a menu that does not demand mental gymnastics for simple tasks. Surely we would become slothful idiots if we only had to make one choice for each task.

When I want to copy a sheet that is double-sided my choices are:

1 to 1

2 to 1

2 to 2

1 to 2.

Hmmm…….I think I’ll pick 1 to 2 because I have 1 paper with 2 sides. WRONG.

 Okay, I’ll try 2 to 2 because I have 2 sides and I want to copy to a 2 sided paper. WRONG.

Grrr….let’s try 2 to 1 just because I’m almost out of options. Yes, Mumsy finally nods her head and gives me the results I am looking for.

If I want to copy a page in a book, I gingerly place my book in alignment with the indicated markers on the glass screen. I close the lid as carefully as possible and start the maze of touch tabbing. Let’s see, I have a bound object. I just want the left page. I want 40 copies. No, I don’t want anything stapled. Yes, I think I want the copy on regular sized paper and only one side.

Beep, beep, beep, beep…..holding my breath…..out comes a paper the size of my bath rug. No, Mumsy, I do not need the whole book copied.

Several attempts later, I just rip the page out of the book and go back to my 1 to 1 menu, hoping for the best.

Mumsy is positioned in our department by an interior window that faces the hall. I can’t tell you how many times I see my colleagues looking down at her. Their brows are furrowed, their fingers are positioned with an indecisive hesitancy, their lips are moving as they cajole dear Mumsy into submission and set her into motion. Sometimes for the good, sometimes not.

The mother of all moments, however, is the dreaded paper jam. Gone are the days of sticking your hand into the bowels of a copier and wrestling the offender out with sheer guts and determination. Mumsy demands a team effort before she will give up a misfeed. After all, lessons need to be learned. I won’t even attempt an unjamming experience anymore without the assistance of my much more mechanically inclined co-worker. She positions herself on the floor next to Mumsy’s belly, while I call out three screens worth of instructions:

Lift lever 3a.

Turn knob 2b clockwise two times

Lower lever 1c

Turn knob 4c counter-clockwise

Lift lever 4a

Rotate knob 2c three times to the left

Lower lever 1d

Grab your partner and do-si-do………

I wish I was making this up…..well, the do-si-do part is maybe a stretch, but the rest of it is amazingly close to reality.

I think there are three life lessons Mumsy wants to teach us.

1)     Always be prepared. If you need copies for a class that is soon to arrive, it’s best to have them finished yesterday.

2)     Life is complicated. Sometimes you just have to problem solve your way through it and hope for the best.

3)     Teamwork is a precious thing. If you think clearing a paper jam is more fun on your own, you haven’t met Mumsy. She will make you thankful for your friends.