Olympics

Okay, so much for my blog sabbatical. In defense of myself, I went a week or two without writing a single word, but, fortunately or unfortunately, my brain wouldn’t stop humming. I’m going to blame it on the recent Olympics. All that pomp and circumstance reminded me that the Queen shouldn’t be the only one who gets a chance at being a Bond girl. All of us deserve a little recognition once in awhile. And here is how I think we could make it possible.

How about a Real Life Olympics? The kind where real people who know how to do real things get to strut their stuff. Possible categories include the following.

Moms

Qualifications: 2 hours of sleep, clothing with burp up residue and a tote bag the size of Texas.

Competition: Participants are dropped off at retail centers around the city and given a shopping list. Two pre-nap children are in tow and a gauntlet of toy and candy aisles are navigated until all shopping items are purchased. Points are deducted for tantrums, missing or damaged products and blow-out diapers. A tie-breaking event would involve a trip to the doctor for vaccinations.

Seniors

Qualifications: Over 55, at least two pre-existing conditions such as a knee replacement, shingles and bifocals that don’t work worth a darn.

Competition: Complete a full day’s work with the young pups. Points are deducted for complaining, telling the same story multiple times within an hour and sharing information about the latest doctor’s appointment. A tie-breaker would involve a new computer application.

Teachers

Qualifications: A teaching degree, at least 5 years of experience and a shelf full of workshop binders.

Competition:  Participants are given a topic such as the classification of mollusks. The setting is a classroom filled with middle school students on the day before a holiday. A series of obstacles are presented such as no pencils, SmartBoard bulbs burning out and an evacuation drill. Points are deducted for students not knowing the difference between a cephalopod and a bivalve. A tie-breaker would involve a copy machine.

Grocery Store Checkers

Qualifications: A name tag that shows at least 1 year of experience, khaki pants and a helpful smile.

Competition: A succession of shoppers is sent through the checkout station. Participants must remain cool and polite despite customers talking incessantly on their cell phones, catsup bottle being broken in the aisle and impish children. Points are deducted for teeth gritting and saying what one is really thinking. A tie-breaker would involve expired coupons.

I hate to admit it, but at one time or another I have belonged to each of the categories listed above. I think it’s safe to say that I wouldn’t have won any of the competitions unless the stakes were a little higher. A piece of metal hanging from a ribbon doesn’t really interest me. Throw in a lifetime supply of coffee and chocolate, however, and I’m feelin’ a little spark in my belly.

Go, team, go!