Madness

Well, I did it. I dipped my toe into the Black Friday pool of mayhem and madness. I had no intentions of doing so until I noticed a significant 3-digit savings on a futon I had been eyeing for our camping style basement. I still would not have succumbed to such folly if the store offering the special wasn’t just five blocks from my house and the opening time was my usual grocery shopping time of 6:00 am. Doable. I thought. What I discovered is that there are hidden rules involved with this type of commando shopping that are unbeknownst to me.

I got up at my usual time in the morning and had my usual cup of coffee. At the appointed time of 6:03, I left my house and arrived at the store.

6:04: The parking lot didn’t look too full so I felt I could leave the safety of my vehicle and enter the premises. I did so with the bravado of someone who might actually know what they are doing under these circumstances. Upon entering the store, however, it was evident that I was swimming with sharks and these sharks were swimming in packs. Staccato like code speak was being shouted out as carts whizzed by me with destinations clearly understood by the cart drivers. Eyes were glazed over from Black Friday shopping that started before the turkey was even out of the oven on Thursday. Speed walking was the norm. Carts were jostling by with driven ferocity.

6:06: I quickly ducked into the baby formula aisle when I realized I was in danger of being trampled by a cart on my tail. I found myself hyperventilating by the cans of Similac, hoping I could still make it a few more feet to the futon display. What I discovered was that the futon display had nothing to do with the speeding carts dogging me down the aisle. It was the pop stacked behind the futons that was causing all the ruckus. Apparently, pop was the hot item at this store and folks were busy stacking them on the futons as they rearranged their carts so they could stuff more of the sugar laced elixir into their carts.

6:07: I bravely stepped out of the formula aisle and made a few more steps toward the futons. Now I was surrounded by pop laden carts and wheezing shoppers trying to wield their goods to the checkout. I realized that purchasing a futon was going to involve manager intervention as it is not something that one just picks up and tucks neatly into a cart.

6:08: I abandoned the futon plan because, quite frankly, the shoppers around me were getting scary. But, I was still determined to make this a “shopping experience”, so I went for the discounted rolls of toilet paper (clearly, not as hot an item as the pop). I moved toward the checkout counters and saw that all the carts were now lined up to kingdom come, waiting to be checked out.

6:09: Put the Charmin down and head for the car.

6:10: Home again and drinking another cup of coffee or two.

While I was certainly not successful in my first attempt at Black Friday shopping, I did learn that it’s all about the timing. I went back later to check on the futon and found a much different scene. Although there were still folks wrestling cases of pop into their semi-trailers, most of them were moving on to their next port of call. I walked in and found a manager who was more than willing to give me a deal on the futon of my choice.

And I got my rolls of toilet paper.

Mission accomplished.